Facebook Relationships

I think it’s official that Facebook is straight up ruining people’s lives. As if it wasn’t bad enough that people who beat you up in high school now have the opportunity to contact you and know everything about your life but I think it’s truly detrimental to a healthy relationship. I’m talking about the whole “In a Relationship” status. Quite honestly, I find it hilarious, but I’ve seen how it can cause some major problems. I’ve excitedly been able to witness couple argue about why their profile doesn’t list them as “in a relationship”, awesome. Typically the dude doesn’t have it on his profile and the chick is furious. I feel bad for guys, how are you supposed to hit on chicks and cheat on your girlfriend when you’re basically branded as taken, plus it makes it harder for me to say “I didn’t know he had a girlfriend!”. The guys who don’t have it listed on their page are always the guys whose pictures conveniently show no sign of them having a girlfriend even though they’ve been dating for five years. The only time you see any sign of the girlfriend is when she tags him in a picture from her cousin’s wedding. Even better is when you get a status update “Jen is longer in a relationship”, humiliating. If you need an argument for not putting that on your profile, there it is. And I LOVE when people comment on it “OMG, Dave was a dick anyway”, “I love you, you’re so pretty, any guy would be lucky to have you!!! xoxo”.  Yea, now you’re damaged goods and every knows it. $20 says Jen’s next status update is “Going out with the ladies tonite!! Showing off my new haircut!!xoxo!!!”.

EpiPens

I think that’s what they’re called, those things people stab themselves with when they have some sort of wack attack or something. Well….let me tell you something about epiPens – they’re really starting to piss me off. It all started a few months ago when I was out to dinner with about 20 people, 18 of which I had never met before in my life. We’re settling in to the table and I’m fantasizing about whether I should do liquor or wine, debating the pros and cons — fall asleep at the table (wine) or throw the table across the room in a fit of rage (liquor) when I snap out of my fog as I hear the woman next to me asking “Does anyone have an epiPen?”. UMMMMM…excuse me? I must not be hearing that correctly I thought. But no, for reals, this crazy bitch is looking for an epipen, she CASUALLY tells everyone that she forgot hers at home and wants to have one in case she starts to lose her shit. Here’s the kicker, no one has one. So I sit there for the rest of the night thinking about the fact that I don’t know one single life saving technique, it almost ruined my buzz. My 2nd epipen situation also happened at a group dinner of about 6 people. Of course the crazy, annoying chick sits next to me and announces that she has a shellfish allergy but has an epipen in her purse. At this point, I’m so furious that she even came to the restaurant I decide to tell her that I am fully prepared to use it.  I know nothing about what an epipen even is but I decide I’m just going to take it out of her purse and stab her with it while she’s not paying attention. Well, that was my plan anyway, but then a DJ came on in the middle of this nice restaurant and I forgot all about that, next time.

Hoarders

Holy shit. I just watched that show Hoarders on A&E and as a result instantly threw out everything I own, including all my Christmas presents. That show seriously scared the shit out of me and I highly recommend that you never watch it. Not only is it disgusting and horrifying, it will scare you into thinking you may have a hoarding problem. I usually buy toilet paper in bulk but now realize that I may be a hoarder so I threw it all out the window and will only buy toilet paper one roll at a time, as needed. In the episode that I saw after they cleaned 5,000 pounds of garbage out of her house, they found 2 dead cats. Seriously. Can you imagine what that house must have smelled like? I’m bummed when I lose a pair of earrings, but when a few pets go missing it may be time to check yourself. The one thing that’s good about the show is that it makes you feel a lot better about yourself, like sometimes I feel bad that I can’t remember what happened the night before or that I woke up covered in bruises, but have having two dead cats in your house is wayyy worse.

Holiday Party Attire

If one more person emails me the article “What not to wear at your company holiday party” I’m going to lose it. Every year it’s the same thing, I get these articles forwarded to me like “Choosing the appropriate outfit for a work function” or “Crossing the line with co-workers” — get off my back! What are holiday parties for if not to let loose and get to know your co-workers on a different level. You’re going to provide me with unlimited alcohol, a dance floor and no rules or regulations, what do you think is going to happen?? My friends that I don’t even work with are always the ones most concerned — Sarah, remember what happened last year? How once you got to the party you realized how inappropriate a tube top with tights was?”  How do you expect me to get ahead? Hard work and dedication? Please….(and this picture is of my outfit from this year’s party, cute right??)

Friend Prospecting

One of the main problems with starting a new job (other than the whole working thing) is making friends. Let me be clear up front - people love me and line up to be graced by my friendship, but when you enter a new environment you have to put in a little work upfront to make sure you get associated with the cool kids and don’t accidentally end up at happy hour with the people who like talking about work and their kids. It’s important to identify someone who is friends with all the good looking, fun, party people but who you know that you’re ultimately cooler than, it’s a science really. The problem is ensuring that you don’t seem creepy when you’re trying to befriend these people. Generally speaking you need to find a common ground or better yet a joke that bonds you together, however; you need to ensure that the joke translates into friendship before you beat the joke to death. Sadly, I’m at the point of beating a joke to death. I have my eye on a friend prospect and we bonded over a joke about Razor cellphones so now every time I see her I bring up the Razor….it lost its humor about 10 mentions ago. I’ve never  been in this situation before. I was at my last job for so long, I had all the friends I needed and had to put a sign on my door saying “not accepting friend applications”, now I’m suddenly that girl who says “we should grab a drink sometime” so often that people definitely think I have a boozing problem. They’re going to be sorry when they see me at the holiday party tonight in a bathing suit, with my dance crew and my own private VIP area.

Internet on Planes

I’m on a plane right now. Yes, that’s right, a plane. And I’m posting on this (sweet) blog at the same time. I’m on a Delta flight and they somehow have free internet. You just open your laptop and BAM! you’re connected. It’s like it’s the future. Not the very far off future but mid-2010 at least. The connection isn’t great. Posting on a cool blog seems to be fine. Facebook is ok but pictures take a really long time and facebook is good for nothing else (it’s not like I’m gonna read people’s stupid walls – post on why it’s called a “wall” to follow some day). However, the really bad news is that the connection is not good enough to watch Family Guy online. I sat for thirty minutes waiting for the video to “buffer” and it was still very choppy. So close and yet so far. Being able to watch choppy Family Guy is so much worse than no Family Guy at all. It’s kinda like only making it to first base. That only makes you want to go to second base, so if I’m not gonna get there I’d rather just scrap the whole thing. There are a lot of situations where “at least it’s better than nothing” do not apply. This is one of them. So while I post the plane is shaking like it’s about to fall out of the sky. I don’t like it when planes shake. This flying, billion-ton tube of cookie dough death-trap should not shake. You think they’d add that anti-shake feature that cameras have to planes. When I make it big (big in what? fuck you, that’s what) I’m gonna take hundreds of sleeping drugs and anti-anxiety pills before every flight (like when I’m still at home) and then have a butler carry my unconscious body to the airport and on to the plane. Once we land he carries me off and brings me to my hotel and places me in the bed. I then wake up somewhere new without having endured the many hassles of flying.

I’m so embarassed…I have a job

It has been brought to our attention (thanks Morgan) that we never addressed the fact that Aldous and I have rejoined the workforce. Let’s be clear — we’re freelancing and we’re only doing it cause they’re paying us in gold and threw in chauffeurs with 24 hour access. It’s really weird working again (oh and awful) after loving the life of unemployment. We were a rare specimen, probably the only two on the planet, who were unemployed, not even thinking about going back to work and not caring. We kind of didn’t realize that the rest of the world has been panicking about “finding work” and “paying bills” and “feeding my children”, all that crap. So after months of answering the question “what do you do?” with “be awesome, work out, watch One Tree Hill and drink for free”, I now have to say, “ugh, I work in advertising”. After I explain to people how much I hate it ,everyone has the same response “you’re lucky you have a job!”. WTF?! Lucky to have a job?! Well this must be the worst luck ever. Luck was sitting on the couch watching Hoda & Kathie Lee and waiting on the stoop for the mailman everyday. People have got their priorities out of wack. I’m more embarrassed to say that I have a job than I ever was saying I was unemployed. However; based on my productivity and dedication levels I doubt it will be long before I’m back on the couch, man, those were the days.

Awkward Situations

Some are good and some are bad. Like seeing someone fall down the subway staircase is hilarious, but then can get awkward if they really can’t get up and appear to be injured. But I’m here to talk about the awkward situations that are just annoying. For example, my boss walks into the office today and has a band-aid on her face. Yea, thats right, straight up Nelly style, (and I don’t mean Furtado, I’m talking about hot in herreee Nelly). Like what the hell am I supposed to say when someone walks in and has a fucking band-aid on their face? I guess there are a few options — Hey, do you know that there is a band-aid on your face? OR Hey, what happened to your face? Did you cut yourself shaving? (my boss is a woman) OR the option I went with — say nothing. It’s probably the worst option because then I couldn’t look at anything else, I found myself wondering what was underneath the band-aid and did she think about how awkward and uncomfortable it would make her co-workers. I mean seriously, I don’t care what the story was, if I had to walk into work with a band-aid on my face I would make an announcement saying “yea assholes I’m wearing a face band-aid, lets get it out in the open”. Personally, I think it’s inconsiderate to put your co-workers in this kind of situation, I think she should have stayed home and let her face “heal” so I could write this post without having the minimize my screen every five seconds.

Theme Parties

I keep getting invited to these “Ugly Sweater” parties for the holidays (and by “keep getting invited” I mean I keep seeing people are attending them through Facebook) and I think it’s kinda lame. I think it’s a good starting point for a party, people looking stupid always makes me want to get banged up, but sweaters are just not the best way to maximize the retard factor. Some sweaters come pretty close. My friend Greg has one with a dragon on the front. But not like a cool “I’m a skaterboarder” dragon. More like an old lady who collects glass figurines kinda dragon. It’s pretty sweet but only makes you laugh for about 20 seconds. Maybe a minute depending on what kinda party you’re at. After that the sweater just becomes normal. It looses its “shine”, if you will, rather quickly. And that’s a good sweater. Most people just pull out a stupid, red cable knit sweater. They’re like “look, it’s cable knit, hahaha, right?” No, not right. Yet, as with most things in life I am good at poking holes but not as good at filling them. So, I don’t have a good alternative. It would have to be something like a “Drinking Prop” party. You can carry a funnel around or little water guns with booze or girls can wear those “slutty cowboy” holsters that carry test tube shots. Maybe you bring an ice luge and be the star of the party. Or a “Bring some form of birth control” party. One chic brings a sponge, the other a sign that says “please pull out”. I don’t know. At least then there’s novelty and functionality.  If you’re going to make people do something for your party make it good. I’ll think about more party options and post later.

Job Hunting Tactics

Many, many months ago I posted about the “unique, eye-catching” tactics desperate job-hunters were using to get their foot in the door. For example, the loser who sent a company a shoe with a note saying “trying to get my foot in the door”. As the recession continues to drag on (seriously?) I have to imagine that job seekers are getting wayyy more desperate. Like they’ve probably gone from cute and interesting to scary and disturbing. I’m not saying these are my ideas but let’s say “someone” thought of a few ways to stand out from the crowd and really get your point across.  Mail the human resources department of your dream company a bloody knife with a note “Accidents happen when you don’t hire the right candidate. See resume attached”. OR mail feces to a recruiter saying “this is what will happen to your company without me. Call me!”  Consider this free job advice, and practically guaranteed to get a response, you can thank me when you land your new job selling knives for Cutco.